Well today has been somewhat of a rollercoaster.
Around midnight I was holding my daughters hair back whilst she threw up in the bathroom sink her bottom fixed firmly to the toilet seat expelling waste that end too! I held my nose so I couldn't smell anything, however as I nursed and comforted her my mind was totally fixated on the fact that I knew she would have to be off school sick today. In fact for two days with the 48 hour exclusion rule in the UK. I had appointments booked at work that had been in the diary some three weeks, one in particular with a very difficult person who I knew would be utterly incensed by my inability to keep the appointment, then there was breaking the news to my colleagues without small children who I knew full well would chunter and discuss my shameful, inexcusable lack of commitment to my work behind my back.
That was all before I even contemplated breaking it to my boss who I knew already had a very low opinion of me. So as the vomit persisted and the weariness started to engulf me, my head was full of anxiety and stress as I anticipated the conversation content I needed to have with various people come daylight. As per normal for you then I hear you shout!
Worse than normal though as having to bail out of days at work at the last minute I knew would add fuel to their fire about my mental health. They'd think I was swinging the lead. Hell even the child's father had a pop at me today about how 'sickly' a child she was today! So colleagues have no hope do they of seeing the wood from the trees.
One thing did come to me today, my anxiety, my heightened sensitivity, my constant concern about other peoples tone with me and what that means if you read between the lines. My perception of the world at a seemingly different level to others and my yearning to commit everything to paper by capturing moments in time as word pictures. It came to me that if I wasn't a depressive, anxiety ridden creature would I still have the same burning insatiable need to be creative? Does the anxiety feed my creativity? Am I creative because of my depression? I came to the conclusion that for me the anxiety feeds my creativity. The enhanced feelings, guilt, sorrow, stress whatever they may be at any given time I seem to suffer them 100% more than most folks. I'm like a bug under a magnifying glass burning with stress when others around me are barely breaking a sweat!
So my epiphany for today... my positive thought for the day?! Me and positivity, wonders will never cease!
My anxiety and depression help me to write, whereas all along I have seen my writing as a therapy to help me recover and cope with my mental health.
That's my thought for today anyways!
02/11/16
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